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Tfw Failure At Everything


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#1 DeathRabbit

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 04:59 PM

I suck at everything in almost every way imaginable. Feeling narcoleptic and emo and just had to get that out there.



#2 Hank

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 05:57 PM

Yowza! What the heck is going on for you.

 

I can't tell if you are depressed, negative or both.

 

As PWN we are predisposed to depression. For me, it seems to be the end result of functioning beyond my limits.

 

I have just emerged from a severe major depression. I did not discuss it here while I was in it but it was horrible. I could not remember that anything had ever been ok and could not conceive of anything ever being ok again. It was a deep dark pit with absolutely no perspective.

 

I don't know if this is what you are experiencing, but if it is buckle up. It is not an easy place to be. Get yourself an appointment with a good PhD and talk to your doctor.

 

When you are exhausted, you are not at your best. When you are depressed, you are not at your best. When you are depressed, it is exhausting. When you are exhausted, it is depressing. You are clearly not a failure and you clearly feel like you are. How could you be at your best when you are exhausted and depressed.

 

And the post holiday blues is just icing on the cake. Take good care of yourself, get an appointment and get some relief.

 

 

 

A little Emo humor- I wish my lawn was Emo (so it would cut itself).



#3 DeathRabbit

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 05:58 PM

I just get hit by random attacks of depression/self-hate. I mainly hate myself today because I can't think because I didnt sleep well last night.



#4 Hank

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 06:11 PM

Here is the thing for me.

 

When I push myself too hard, I feel exhausted and I feel miserable.

 

Ordinary "dips" during the day get longer and they feel just like depression to me.

 

As I push on, the "dips" start to connect so each day turns into one long dip.

 

That, for me now twice, has become severe depression.

 

Both times, it seemed to sneak up on me because I lose perspective as I am in it.

 

You are the best judge of what you need, but Dude.

 

Saying you can't think and you didn't sleep well  is one things. Saying you hate yourself because of that is a very different thing. The hating yourself part is not a good thing to carry around with you.



#5 doinmdirndest

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 09:46 PM

nothing changes it just rearranges, dude.  now it's the 'bottom of the barrel' status, another day has things in far better light.

 

when I was about 20, I failed to pay the 250 rent on my duplex where my 'crew' and I resided at about 70$ apiece.  wonderful m f that I am, we all shared and shared alike me in the bedroom other 6 bedded down in the living room.

 

next, I'm moving down the road in my car and so are all my worldly possesions.  mom's new old man, ='worthless gigolo m f' sits me down I get little pep talk 'you know, doug, I see myself in you and wont limit you by having you stay here'/das boot.  impact in a moment's loss of vigil had me back on my feet again-instead of driving.  66 cutlass supreme not driveable.  took 300$ to buy it. and I'm broke.   dallas police auto pound lein sale must've had lucky m f happy.  just hood curled into radiator.  so I'm 'crashing' in one home of the in and out of jail f ups I knew.  came the night im on the carpet other dudes passed out on table, couch etc. w/ the puppy *BEEP*.  about 1 30 am im walking the crisp novermber air on quiet road.

 

I have nothing/no one no plan no hope.  seated on the washing machine of apt. Laundromat, warmth sufficed to allow a few minutes exsauted slumber.  walk out to the street put out my thumb be like a bum 3 lanes each way was like ghost town.  back to seedy cinder block 'hood' to convalesce on the puppy s again.

 

lumbering along tore up old chryseler rolls up stops I open door.  "my ex is an irish/catholic mafia-her word 4 cops-and he made sure I'm a crack shot if you get any ideas all your problems get solved.  get it? ok, get in"  we drove to her place after a liquor run, pain in the ass dry zones in texas.

 

girl and me wound up in a relationship. 

 tragic story if you know it all.  death took her away from me.

 

I did right by her and the fact that we met led to my getting back on my feet.

 

but if I'd had my thumb out 5 min. later, no telling where I would be, except back on the puppy s. that night.

 

and the moral of the story is-

 

keep punching; keep your head up, something will give you a way through.  like me, you will 'come up'  never forget that always there is a person worse off than you will ever be.

 

hope sme words did good, dr, all I got to help w 



#6 doinmdirndest

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Posted 03 January 2014 - 10:01 PM

hang tough.  this, too shall pass.



#7 DeathRabbit

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Posted 06 January 2014 - 02:29 PM

I'm feeling better now. I just still can't help but think the Narcolepsy is my fault. Or I should be strong enough to ignore the symptoms. Or something. I just feel weak and useless sometimes.



#8 Hank

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Posted 06 January 2014 - 03:50 PM

I'm feeling better now. I just still can't help but think the Narcolepsy is my fault. Or I should be strong enough to ignore the symptoms. Or something. I just feel weak and useless sometimes.

Well....its not your fault. No more than someone with Type I diabetes is at fault for the loss of their cells.

 

You need a shift in the way you view yourself- and that is not a medication problem or a Narcolepsy problem.

 

Felling better "now" sounds temporary. And "just still can't help" sounds kind of powerless.

 

Grab this illness by the *$#!s. You cannot cure it, but you can manage it and live around it.

 

Find a good PhD to tackle some of this self loathing you struggle with- it will be well worth a few copays.



#9 Ferret

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Posted 06 January 2014 - 10:38 PM

Hank, as always, gives good advice.

My hubby sent me this today (we send each other links about things that interest or inspire us). I love it and have read it more than once this evening. I hope it inspires you too Rabbit.

 

Quote of the Week: “Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. Love doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU.”  ~~   Courtney Walsh



#10 DeathRabbit

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Posted 07 January 2014 - 12:08 AM

Thanks guys! :)