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Pity. The Four Letter Word. (A Rant)

pity pain depression sad lost useless BPD IBS

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#1 SteffaneGrace

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 12:29 PM

Diagnosis? What am I diagnosed with? Well. Let me see. 

 

So far I have IBS, Borderline Personality Disorder, and N with EDS. It's enough to drive someone absolutely mad. On top of this? I am a perfectionist. I hate myself for not doing what others can do. "Why do you sleep so much, Steffane?" "It really bothers me how many naps you take." "Stop being lazy." Yea you know what? I will actually get right on it. And while I am at it...stop complaining about your broken leg/arm/other body part, your hangover, your aching body, your flu, your cold. Just get over it already. Lazy.

 

It's enough to make me want to cry. I am foggy from Xyrem and trying to go through Dialectical Behavior Therapy at the same time. A therapy which requires you to be mindful and "in the moment". And all I feel is detached. Nothing seems right. I don't really expect people to understand. People do not understand what they cannot see. I look 100% normal on the outside. A young, cute female with a kind and patient demeanor. If I sleep, I'm lazy. I fight tired so often. I should be considered a superhero by now.

 

Then we move to the BPD. That is fun, let me tell you. 

 

Here is the list of fun and I have them all...

  1. Impaired Emotional Control: excessive, poorly regulated emotional responses, especially anger, that change rapidly;
  2. Harmful Impulsivity: impulsive behaviors that are harmful to you or to others, such as spending sprees, excessive use of alcohol or drugs, self-injurious acts (e.g., cutting), physically aggressive acts and sexual indiscretions;
  3. Impaired Perceptions and Reasoning: suspiciousness, misperceptions, an unstable self-image, a poor sense of your identity, and difficulty in reasoning under stress; and
  4. Disrupted Relationships: tumultuous relationships with a person close to you that vary from extreme fear of abandonment to episodes of excessive anger and the desire to get away from that person.

Relationships are so damned hard. I am in a 2 year one right now. There are days I want to be with him and days I just want to run. I expect to be hurt. I expect he is doing something he shouldn't be. I have issues being sexual because of my previous bf of 5 years. He...I guess he sexually assaulted me often. It's hard to say because I didn't say no. I did what he wanted. That was my job. My current boyfriend loves sex and loves it with me. He knows of all my issues. But I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure often. And for so many reasons.

 

I don't have money because I spend it frivolously. Impulsive. I get depressed from N. I spend. N makes me feel useless. 

 

I have a lax job and can't even stay focused for six hours a day. Six hours. That is nothing. 

 

I want to have a routine to better my life. I have had routines before--healthier food, exercise, all of that. And I quit. Because I always quit. This is where I self sabotage. I don't even bother starting anything healthier anymore because I will just quit. 

 

I feel broken. 

 

 



#2 Hank

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 12:56 PM

Well... at least you don't have bad breath or dandruff.

So sorry you carry such a heavy load- no fun at all. I hope mindfulness is making some difference for you. It can be so hard when our heads start running too far in front.

I hope you have a good therapist and doctors- the right people on your team make so much difference.

Between the ups and downs of N and the ins and outs of BPD, you must find yourself tied up like a pretzle. God bless you.

So sorry about our snag on the other topic. I have been a bit out of sorts myself. I can be relentlessly hard pushing myself and take the "no excuses ever" approach to my life. I am trying to soften that edge a bit. So sorry if I offended.

I hope you find some good in your day.

#3 Ferret

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 01:28 PM

The four points on your Fun list were me on Ritalin and Imipramine.
Unless you have always been that way, try pinpointing what meds you were on when they started...you may be as sensitive to meds as I am.
IBS? READ what I wrote on your other thread. Get your gut in shape.
BTW, that was a much better rant...you're getting close to taking charge of your own destiny. Good on ya!

#4 SteffaneGrace

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 02:21 PM

Hank-->Thank you for your reply. And do not worry about our other scuffle. Not a problem. It's a difficult topic. And a pretzel accurately describes my mental state ;b. 

 

Ferret-->

*sigh* I wish it was the medication but it is 60% hereditary and 40% environment. My mom is the same as me (undiagnosed) and my sister is a severe BPD...possibly Bipolar. Both of them deny any issue and refuse to get help. Being with a verbally abusive and sexually manipulative boyfriend for several years only made my already existing issues worse. Much worse. After my Dialectical Behavior Therapy, I am actually going through PTSD therapy :/. I have been on many meds--most of which worked for a while and then slowly stopped working, I seem to gain a high tolerance to meds quickly. 

 

Right now I am on Zoloft at 100mg. Doesn't really do much. But the psychiatrist I am with now (I have been through a few..) she does not really believe in medicating BPD. Lol. So much for being a psychiatrist. She doesn't believe in Valium either. And Valium is the only benzo that has ever calmed my panic attacks. Xanax and Klonopin did not calm me unless I took more than 2. Which I did NOT want to do regularly. I have to take 2 Valium (5mgx2) for it to work, but I take it sparingly. Once a week at most. I am working on a finite supply now though, so I have to be even more frugal.

 

I am happy to try anything for IBS. My anxiety actually creates more issues when it comes to IBS than anything. I have tried a gluten-free diet, meditation, exercise, vitamins. My IBS is extremely random where I may go a week with having episodes every day, to not having any episodes for half a year. Makes it really hard to fix it :/ But truthfully, I have had IBS since I was 5...I have simply learned to live with it. 



#5 DeathRabbit

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 02:21 PM

With psychiatric issues, I've found one of the most crucial things to do is to avoid the phenomenon known as learned helplessness. http://en.wikipedia....ed_helplessness

 

In fact, I guess that goes for Narcolepsy as well. Your conditions are not your fault. However, don't let that lead you to just accept them either. Us PWNs and people with psych issues have to stare reality in the face and say "No, go *BEEP* off reality!" We maybe victims of circumstance, but that doesn't mean we should just let circumstance have its way with us either. Stay strong! Don't beat yourself up! But also don't be afraid to kick your own ass either. It can be hard to tell how far to go when taking onesself to task, but it is necessary to keep motivation alive. And take heart, for if there is a broken Steffane, by the very comparative nature of the word "broken", that means there is a "fixed" Steffane out there too, just waiting to be realized. It seems you are able to admit your issues, which is a very, very good start. People in denial never get anything done. Obviosuly, life has it's ups and downs, but I've found the most useful maxim to move forward is just to set the goal of being ever so slightly better tomorrow than you are today. People like us will never be 100%, but lets be honest, noone is ever 100% anyway. The "normies" (as I call them) don't exactly have it made either. I'm kinda tired so I know this has bee na rambling resposne but I hope something helped.



#6 Hank

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 02:36 PM

Well said! (and I never use ! so I mean it)

Re "broken". When a bone is broken- that point, when healed, become its strongest point. Just a word of encouragement. Keep healing and the strength will result.

#7 SteffaneGrace

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 02:44 PM

Thank you DR. It can be so hard sometimes to not just want to crawl in bed and sleep this all away. And so easy for Ns! Although...not always the best sleep <_<  It's funny. I always looked at sleep as my way to get away. My source for comfort and my drug. Never did I know that it was in a sense harming me. 

 

 

I have truly never viewed myself as able to be...or even just to feel fixed. Even bandaged. But as you two have mentioned, to use the word broken in the purest sense, you must have the antonym, the balance. The Yin and the Yang, if you will.

 

Thank you again everyone for your responses. Sometimes I just need to be grounded and sometimes I require a group of people to grab my body and pull me down forcefully. Having people that understand...it is truly rewarding.



#8 DeathRabbit

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 04:21 PM

I can't take complete credit for that concept. The first time I listened to Transatlantic's "Stranger in Your Soul" when I heard the line "Don't you think if you could be lost, don't you think that you could be found?" it struck me as one of the most enheartening things I had ever heard.



#9 IdiopathicHypersomniac

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 10:22 PM

Actually, the disrupted nocturnal sleep from narcolepsy can cause IBS.



#10 Ferret

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Posted 06 August 2013 - 11:08 PM

Actually, the disrupted nocturnal sleep from narcolepsy can cause IBS.


Could you provide a link for that information please.

#11 IdiopathicHypersomniac

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 10:40 AM

My doctor told me about it.  They did sleep studies on people with IBS and they found that their sleep was abnormal.  They didn't all have narcolepsy, but narcolepsy is one illness that causes abnormal sleep.  Without proper sleep, the nerves in the gut don't properly heal, and they become hypersensitive.



#12 Hank

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 10:52 AM

http://www.ncbi.nlm....les/PMC1774680/

#13 Ferret

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Posted 07 August 2013 - 09:28 PM

Thank you!

Fascinating stuff...yet another link between the gut and sleep quality.

Wonder how many diagnosed Narcoleptics ever had chronic bowel problems.



#14 IdiopathicHypersomniac

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 06:12 PM

I have narcolepsy and IBS-C.  Don't forget, the gut is the 2nd brain.  It does a lot more than just process food.



#15 Ferret

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Posted 08 August 2013 - 11:21 PM

I have narcolepsy and IBS-C.  Don't forget, the gut is the 2nd brain.  It does a lot more than just process food.

 

I know that very well...most of my posts are littered with links promoting bowel health and the bowel's importance in our immune system. Serotonin is a very important chemical for the restful stage of sleep. 90% of it is produced by the Enterocromaffin cells of the intestine....when an irritated bowel keeps dumping it into the intestines, I wonder how enough of it gets to the brain to provide us with restful sleep. Which came first? The irritated and inflamed bowel or the bad sleep?

http://www.braintalk...read.php?t=7075

 

Forget about the product promotion in the link below...just read what the "good" Lactobacillus bacteria do for your health.

http://nuferm.com.au...cilli-bacteria/

 

p.s....yeah, I got my laptop back and all my bookmarks...woohoo, I can type at a decent speed again.



#16 IdiopathicHypersomniac

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Posted 11 August 2013 - 10:33 AM

The bowel isn't irritated or inflamed in IBS.  It just doesn't contract smoothly.  Those contractions are controlled from the brain.



#17 Ferret

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Posted 11 August 2013 - 11:58 AM

http://ibs.about.com...nflammation.htm

 

http://ibs.about.com.../a/braingut.htm







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