Diagnosis? What am I diagnosed with? Well. Let me see.
So far I have IBS, Borderline Personality Disorder, and N with EDS. It's enough to drive someone absolutely mad. On top of this? I am a perfectionist. I hate myself for not doing what others can do. "Why do you sleep so much, Steffane?" "It really bothers me how many naps you take." "Stop being lazy." Yea you know what? I will actually get right on it. And while I am at it...stop complaining about your broken leg/arm/other body part, your hangover, your aching body, your flu, your cold. Just get over it already. Lazy.
It's enough to make me want to cry. I am foggy from Xyrem and trying to go through Dialectical Behavior Therapy at the same time. A therapy which requires you to be mindful and "in the moment". And all I feel is detached. Nothing seems right. I don't really expect people to understand. People do not understand what they cannot see. I look 100% normal on the outside. A young, cute female with a kind and patient demeanor. If I sleep, I'm lazy. I fight tired so often. I should be considered a superhero by now.
Then we move to the BPD. That is fun, let me tell you.
Here is the list of fun and I have them all...
- Impaired Emotional Control: excessive, poorly regulated emotional responses, especially anger, that change rapidly;
- Harmful Impulsivity: impulsive behaviors that are harmful to you or to others, such as spending sprees, excessive use of alcohol or drugs, self-injurious acts (e.g., cutting), physically aggressive acts and sexual indiscretions;
- Impaired Perceptions and Reasoning: suspiciousness, misperceptions, an unstable self-image, a poor sense of your identity, and difficulty in reasoning under stress; and
- Disrupted Relationships: tumultuous relationships with a person close to you that vary from extreme fear of abandonment to episodes of excessive anger and the desire to get away from that person.
Relationships are so damned hard. I am in a 2 year one right now. There are days I want to be with him and days I just want to run. I expect to be hurt. I expect he is doing something he shouldn't be. I have issues being sexual because of my previous bf of 5 years. He...I guess he sexually assaulted me often. It's hard to say because I didn't say no. I did what he wanted. That was my job. My current boyfriend loves sex and loves it with me. He knows of all my issues. But I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure often. And for so many reasons.
I don't have money because I spend it frivolously. Impulsive. I get depressed from N. I spend. N makes me feel useless.
I have a lax job and can't even stay focused for six hours a day. Six hours. That is nothing.
I want to have a routine to better my life. I have had routines before--healthier food, exercise, all of that. And I quit. Because I always quit. This is where I self sabotage. I don't even bother starting anything healthier anymore because I will just quit.
I feel broken.