Wellll... here's the whole story (not that it will help my situation to tell anyone but it makes me feel better to vent)
In college I took my medication as needed - meaning I took more than I should, more frequently than I should've. I was honest with my doctor and she warned me not to do that because it's unhealthy for numerous reasons. I was in school studying to become a nurse and I had to do .. whatever it took to become an RN. Meaning i disobeyed. After nursing school I began taking my medication as directed but I hated how 10 mg of ritalin would give me heart palpitations so I took half a pill (they are scored) at a time and found this worked much better. For unrelated reasons, my doctor left her practice and I was stuck with some greenhorn nurse practitioner who barely knew the definition of narcolepsy let alone anything about medication management related to narcolepsy. I was honest with her as well about how I took my medication... but she was angry. She made my medication scheduled instead of prn and made it every 6 hours. . . even an idiot knows you don't take medication to wake up every 6 hours ... BECAUSE EVENTUALLY WE HAVE TO SLEEP. erm... anyway, I told her that. She sarcastically offered to change the order and I told her not to bother because I was going to just take it as I needed it anyway. So. She made me sign a controlled substance abuse contract in which I agreed not to adjust my dose independently and would take it as prescribed. I signed the paper. I realized I had been taking my medication incorrectly and I needed to regulate my dose better so i wouldn't run out of medicine too soon.
Two months go by. I'm prescribed 40mg per day, 10mg every 6 hours but I still didn't want the heart palpitations from a 10 mg dose and I still wasn't about to take medication to stay awake when I was trying to sleep. So. Instead of taking 10mg q6h, I took 5mg q3h and I don't take it when I'm going to bed. My doctor brought me in for a pill count and hooray, I'm right on. My pill count is perfect. But when the nurse comes in to the room, she asks why I have half tabs in my bottle. I, stupidly, tell her the truth about taking a half tab q3h instead of a whole tab q6h. That's all I tell her. She considers me in violation of the contract and instead of telling me when I call half a dozen times throughout the week, she mails it to me and I have 2 weeks left of medication. They tell me I have to go see my sleep specialist to have medication prescribed from now on. I call the specialist but due to the july 4th holiday, they wait a week to call me back and tell me he won't see me anymore because I've missed too many appointments. I'm a nurse. I'm busy. I understand it's not ok to miss appointments but when i have to work double shifts while having narcolepsy ... I tend to forget what day of the week it is, let alone some long ago forgotten date of an appointment I sheduled. Those appointments weren't important to me. They were just check ups. Now, I NEED them or I won't be able to function ... and I have already ruined my only hope.
So. you see. I'm ... *sigh* almost out of options due to my own ... irresponsibility, hard-headedness... I know what I need. I know more about my medication than my doctor did (not the specialist - he's brilliant). I understand her reasons but if she had actually tried to help me instead of just giving me rules to restrict me, I wouldn't have violated the contract in the first place.