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Wife Of A Narcoleptic


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#21 Hank

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 01:45 PM

Just to say this- my wife has ADHD. I love her dealry and she has her own challenges. We have managed to raise three incredible children.

Before my disgnosis, my wife's deficits were largely placed on my undiagnosed shoulders. Her ADHD was the primary challenge that was accommodated. I frequently buckled from carrying my heavy load of undiagnosed Narcolepsy while picking up everything that ADHD rolled down hill to me.

So, this past year and a half since my diagnostic process began (after 5 years of a dismissive misdiagnosis) has been a challenge for my wife. It has not been easy for her to realize that she has been placing added responsibility on me- while I have a more severe illness than she does.

In this last year and a half, my wife has grown enormously and taken on challenges that she has avooided. She has returned to work, she helps with more upkeep of the home and generally runs a tighter ship than ever before. I simply could not continue to shoulder the burden I had been.

So, marriage is not easy. It is hard and takes a lot of work. It requires some hard decisions. Thankfully, my wife and I are finding ways that work. I am thankful that we did not go down in flames.

It is not easy having Narcolepsy. And we have to play the cards we are dealt. If I had known I had Narcolepsy, I would never have married a woman with ADHD. So, I am thankful I did not know- because I adore my wife and cannot imagine my life without her. Sometimes love is a feeling, and sometimes it is a decision. Either way- it takes two imperfect people doing their best for themselves and each other. Marriage is no place for slackers.

#22 Ferret

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 01:45 PM

I thought Hank was right on the mark...
Marry in haste...repent at leisure

#23 ApparentlyNarcoleptic

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 04:17 PM

Just to say this- my wife has ADHD. I love her dealry and she has her own challenges. We have managed to raise three incredible children.

Before my disgnosis, my wife's deficits were largely placed on my undiagnosed shoulders. Her ADHD was the primary challenge that was accommodated. I frequently buckled from carrying my heavy load of undiagnosed Narcolepsy while picking up everything that ADHD rolled down hill to me.

So, this past year and a half since my diagnostic process began (after 5 years of a dismissive misdiagnosis) has been a challenge for my wife. It has not been easy for her to realize that she has been placing added responsibility on me- while I have a more severe illness than she does.

In this last year and a half, my wife has grown enormously and taken on challenges that she has avooided. She has returned to work, she helps with more upkeep of the home and generally runs a tighter ship than ever before. I simply could not continue to shoulder the burden I had been.

So, marriage is not easy. It is hard and takes a lot of work. It requires some hard decisions. Thankfully, my wife and I are finding ways that work. I am thankful that we did not go down in flames.

It is not easy having Narcolepsy. And we have to play the cards we are dealt. If I had known I had Narcolepsy, I would never have married a woman with ADHD. So, I am thankful I did not know- because I adore my wife and cannot imagine my life without her. Sometimes love is a feeling, and sometimes it is a decision. Either way- it takes two imperfect people doing their best for themselves and each other. Marriage is no place for slackers.

 

 

Thank you to everyone who responded.  Especially Hank - the above post meant the most to me.  I posted in a frantic, manic, stressed, crazed state.  I've been friends with my fiance for about 15 years, and he's been part of my family for nearly that long.  Normally he is VERY helpful and supportive.  Just earlier this year I had to have several procedures done on my back and he worked many extra hours in advance just to make sure he could take those days off to bring me to each of my appts, take me home, and take care of me for the rest of each day.  The big problem we have is that he works in politics and has "busy seasons."  Unfortunately, there are times when the busy season lasts longer than it should (do to complications) and now happens to be one of those times.  I understood the 6wks where he was basically not around and working late every single day.  During those times I am willing to pick up the slack and do the extra work at home, and he always does the same for me.  The kitten came during this time.  95% of the year he participates at home, he cleans, he does laundry, runs any errands I ask of him, etc and life is good.  He's not as bad as I, unknowingly, made him sound.  We have a very balanced and wonderful relationship.  It's just that he's wrapped up in this big mess at work and I've got A LOT of added crap right now.  It's usually just the errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and cats... I can manage life.  This time around I've also got the kitten and the wedding and a family problem and trying to figure out/cope with the narcolepsy.  Needless to say, I'm pretty freakin stressed right now.  The work thing is out of his control and he's still the low man on the totem pole, so he's basically screwed and has to deal with this.  It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me, and it really just sucks.  I don't think he's had a chance to process the narcolepsy any more than I have - but he's not the one living with it, and some of my symptoms have been getting worse.  I just need for him to understand and have some sympathy.  I can't exactly have this conversation with him when he gets home at 1am and has to be back out at 7am, and then we repeat the same the next day.  I need for this work problem to be over so he and I can figure this out together.  There is no doubt of my love for him nor of his for me and I would never hesitate to marry him.  Not before narcolepsy and not after.  He is truly the love of my life and greater than any man I could have dreamed up.  We have a wonderful partnership but there's just a lot on our plates right now and the interference from his job makes it that much harder.  Right now, much as Hank said above, I'm just starting to buckle under the pressure.  I know that eventually these problems will pass, and I'm waiting for that time.  Thank you all for the advice and support!



#24 DeathRabbit

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 04:50 PM

Well I hope you guys reach an accord. I forget who said it, but someone once said "It's a whole lot easier to argue with people that you hate than people that you love."



#25 Hank

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 05:23 PM

That sounds a bit more like it. I was picturing a sleeveless t-shirt, empty beer cans and a Lazy-boy from your first post.

It is good that you have found a safe place to vent your frustrations.

As you enter your marriage- I will give you some unsolicited advice.

NEVER say anything like your initial post to family or friends. They will not forget what you have said long after you have blown off your steam.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my wife's family has been destroyed by my wife doing just that over months while I was going through medication adjustments and diagnosis. She used her mother to vent her troubles and her mother sent out "prayer requests" about me.

Since I knew my mother in law was a gossip, my wife agreed to share nothing about my medical stuff which dragged on for a year. While my wife share nothing medical, she did not hold back othewise.

On evenings when I could bearly function, I stayed at the gym for a few hours after work because I was so miserable to be around. My wife's mother and her aunt decided that I was having an affair and confronted my wife with their decision. My wife told them I was not but the damage was done. There were other things, of course, but that was the icing on the cake. There has never been apology and some members of my wife's family continued "praying" for my adultery while I was adjusting to medications and coming to terms with my diagnosis. She actually called our neighbor to find out when my car pulled in the driveway. This put a rediculous strain on our family during an already difficult time. We changed the locks to our home and she no longer has a key.

When they all found out about my medical mess (misdiagnosis yada yada) they thought it was a ridiculous cover story for my "affair". It was a nightmare a la Jerry Springer- which is sooo not my style.

That is my anonymous vent.

So, my purpose in saying this is that you are wound tighter than a top. You have some major life stressors hitting you from all sides. You need support and there is very little support for PWN. If you are in NYC, Montefiore has some excellent resources. Find places like this forum, a priest or someone you pay to vent in absolute confidence. You are likely to say things that will never be forgotten- worse yet, you may say things to someone who will tell it to others, who will never forget.

Sorry if I sound preachy- just looking out for you.

#26 ApparentlyNarcoleptic

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Posted 31 July 2013 - 06:43 PM

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH YOU!!!!!  I am very cautious what I say about him to family and friends.  I've dealt with nonsense like that in the past and know what kind of damage can be done.  I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that :-(  

 

My parents and his parents (and probably his sister) know about my diagnosis.  I've been slowly telling my closest friends.  Most people know I'm on new sleep medication - they knew about the old stuff too before N diagnosis.  His family is very Irish and secrets are safe with them.  My family on the other hand is primarily Italian - they are all very nosy and opinionated.  My father keeps insisting that I just need to reset my circadian rhythms and is adamantly pushing me to listen to old radio shows to fall asleep.  He also berates me for the fact that I'm going to need medications of some form for the rest of my life.  Yet on other days he insists that he probably has N too.  I've just distanced myself and try to change the subject if needed.  My mother on the other hand asks me how I'm feeling and how the medication stuff is going.  She's always been the levelheaded, sympathetic, understanding one!  In-laws don't ask any questions.  The only person I have left to talk to is my best friend of 15yrs who is also my maid of honor, and I've been dumping on her enough!  At this point I probably owe her an all expenses paid spa trip!

 

I am in NYC and am going to go google Montefiore RIGHT NOW!  I do feel like I'm getting hit from all sides and it's very frustrating.  Thank you guys for understanding.

 

Side note:  Hank - I have read MANY threads here on the network and you always seem to be the voice of reason!  You are a very intelligent, kind, and sympathetic man.  You provide advice that is cohesive, well phrased, and thoroughly thought through (sorry for the alliteration).  Reading some of the things you've written gives me hope going forward in life.  Thank you for that - and I hope your family knows how awesome you are!



#27 DeathRabbit

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Posted 01 August 2013 - 10:50 AM

That sounds a bit more like it. I was picturing a sleeveless t-shirt, empty beer cans and a Lazy-boy from your first post.

It is good that you have found a safe place to vent your frustrations.

As you enter your marriage- I will give you some unsolicited advice.

NEVER say anything like your initial post to family or friends. They will not forget what you have said long after you have blown off your steam.

Unfortunately, my relationship with my wife's family has been destroyed by my wife doing just that over months while I was going through medication adjustments and diagnosis. She used her mother to vent her troubles and her mother sent out "prayer requests" about me.

Since I knew my mother in law was a gossip, my wife agreed to share nothing about my medical stuff which dragged on for a year. While my wife share nothing medical, she did not hold back othewise.

On evenings when I could bearly function, I stayed at the gym for a few hours after work because I was so miserable to be around. My wife's mother and her aunt decided that I was having an affair and confronted my wife with their decision. My wife told them I was not but the damage was done. There were other things, of course, but that was the icing on the cake. There has never been apology and some members of my wife's family continued "praying" for my adultery while I was adjusting to medications and coming to terms with my diagnosis. She actually called our neighbor to find out when my car pulled in the driveway. This put a rediculous strain on our family during an already difficult time. We changed the locks to our home and she no longer has a key.

When they all found out about my medical mess (misdiagnosis yada yada) they thought it was a ridiculous cover story for my "affair". It was a nightmare a la Jerry Springer- which is sooo not my style.

That is my anonymous vent.

So, my purpose in saying this is that you are wound tighter than a top. You have some major life stressors hitting you from all sides. You need support and there is very little support for PWN. If you are in NYC, Montefiore has some excellent resources. Find places like this forum, a priest or someone you pay to vent in absolute confidence. You are likely to say things that will never be forgotten- worse yet, you may say things to someone who will tell it to others, who will never forget.

Sorry if I sound preachy- just looking out for you.

I would be so royally effing pissed if my in-laws were acting like that. I love how some so called "religious" (I use the word religious in quotes here because I respect truly religious people, but there are those who view the cross as nothing more than an opportunistic weapon to knife their fellow man in the back) people will use the whole "I'm praying for you" thing as a passive-aggressive insult. I don't know how you kept it together. I would have been livid at my wife and would have told her family to GTFO in precisely what those letters stand for. Props to your patience.