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bostongirl426

When You Slept Through A Year

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I slept through a year. When I woke up, I was utterly shocked where I left my life. Most of my friends were gone. People don't understand. 'How'd you like to be alone and drowning;'

my family gets it sort of, but really not always. They forget about it a lot. I am still foggy. I fall asleep standing up. I fall asleep at the wheel. I think I've talked while sleeping, to other people, who remind me of what was said and I don't remember sometimes. I can't get angry or I get weak. Same with laughing too hard. I slept away some part of my life, I don't even know when it started.

I know it seems that I don't care,

But something in me does, I swear.

I don't remember all last year.

I left you awake to cry the tears,

While I was dreaming in streams

Flowing between the shores

Of joy and sadness

People thought I just didn't care. And by people I mean best friends, love interests, family. Important persons in my life. People who I cared for so much. But time passed in such a funny way. I never really knew that a month went by. 3 months. 6 months. Summer. Fall. Such a blurry fog. So many things that I do not remember. Spaces of time I can not account for. And the questions that were left by my dozing. I'm more awake now, not always. Sometimes. It's better now, but the effects of before now are still here.

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"Struggling with confusion, disillusionment too

Can turn a man into a shadow, crying out from pain

Through his nightmare vision, he sees nothing, only well

Blind with the beggar's mind, he's but a stranger

He's but a stranger to himself

Suspended from a rope inside a bucket down a hole

His hands are torn and bloodied from the scratching at his soul"-Traffic

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...me - diagnosed 1960. After 8 years on Ritalin,judged by peers as cool because it looked like I didn't care...sought cures in alcohol, marijuana, hashish, opium, psylocibin, mescaline, LSD, crystal meth, 'shrooms, cocaine. I can't get back the years wasted when I just didn't know, what I didn't know. There was no one to teach me how to live life with Narcolepsy; no internet...and MD's? Forget them. I once had a medical resident in teaching hospital asking questions about my reaction to orgasm during sex. He thought it was funny that I might have a Cataplectic episode! Long story short - I had to find the med that worked for me, discipline my self to not overuse it, not use alcohol to try to sleep (diphenhydramine and Ibuprofen with lots of water, and a couple of crackers helps, but watch out for liver damage) find a career path where I could hide my Narcolepsy (taxi driver was a big mistake; CAD operator designing HVAC, plumbing, electrical systems worked much better). I build and ride harley davidsons (well, try to anyway; money is really tight lately). I love to drive, but can never forget - I cannot fight sleep behind the wheel; nap, get out walk around, get a cup of coffee but nap is best. Where do I nap? I do what I have to do, where I have to do it. I also spent a lot of time searching for answers, going to therapy for my "head". I am a loner, but act like I'm not. Truth is I don't let people "in" 'cause I still feel unacceptable because of what's inside - Narcolepsy, Cataplexy, uncertainty about when/where I will need to sleep, dream horrors like fears of suffocating, attacks by unknowns, and on and on and on...we have an incredible burden living life with Narcolepsy. But d'ya know what? That's the way it is; and it's not going to change. We have our burden to carry just managing each day with N. Normal people don't have a clue...and if they did...they wouldn't be "normal" people...they would be people with Narcolepsy too!!! I can't feel your pain, don't know what tools life has equipped you with to deal with managing N. Knowing how my life was short circuited by N, and reading your posts really makes me feel like I wish I could give you the Hope I have in spite of how N has short-changed my life and robbed my children and grandchildren of good things I would like to give them. What if your handle was "Life Rabbit", instead of what it is...I'm just sayin'. Peace, bro! ...and life and hope!!!

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