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Stain


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#1 dogdreams

dogdreams

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Posted 01 June 2009 - 04:11 AM

This is the deepest darkest depth of my being. Written in 2003. Enjoy. ~Z

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stain

Tears stain my face like tattoos
Freckles that fade with the passing of the year
Only to re-emerge in a moment of the sun’s glare
I am stained but refrain from cathartic rituals to bleed my soul
When you were here it was ok not to be ok
I am not ok
I’m not fine to seem fine
to be a demon slayer by night
and lead this double life
and I do not even know my most elusive foe
dogs in the cellar and queens on the throne
charismatic presence on the phone
in the silence there is endless screaming echoing in my head
take it off she said
and so it bled from a crack in Pandora’s Box
made by the slightest breeze in a lid that could not be moved by mountains
I never sleep alone
I have your ghost to keep my warm
That ever threatens to become solid
That ever warns of harm to come
A menacing shadow
I cannot brush you off
You will not go away
And as I hunger
I feel as if I have never known food
I watched you feast upon my soul
I must have tasted good
But Pandora’s box is not empty
Someday I will be full
When last I slip the wire and sink into the pool
Of tears and years and all things cruel
The words bring on the bloodshed
My tears will bring a flood
When they mix with dirty secrets
I shall drown in mud.
Pandora’s box lies dormant but rumbles with regress
Threatening to take me in the silence of its death
No mark of time
My existence shall be erased
I shall cease to be e’er the lid is laid to waste
Remove it like a coffin unleash the dead inside
And I shall be obliterated
No longer can I hide
From truths so black they pass as lies
My soul, my self, my life will die
No more the shadows that pass by day
That hint at things that have no name
Take it off, she said
But from what or where
A puff of smoke would be the same
Emerge from invisible flame ignited by fear
And gone before you can really get a good look
Seems to be fine, dog-eared pages of this book
There’s nothing really wrong in chapter six
As I slowly obliterate deny myself so long
That secrets from myself I keep in the deepest aging wrinkle crease
No beauty aid could hide what lies behind my face
Ugly truths of wretched youth
Wasted life I spent on you
Even now the time I spend trying to reach the box you’re in
Unlatch the lid, release what’s inside
No delusions of what had been
And in that moment of binding light
I fuse with truth evaporate into the night
With it goes “what might have been”
“what I’ve become” into the wind.
Send for me a carriage swift
I fight the rift
As I disengage from reality to hold the box
A floating head in a sea of acid fleece
Falling like cotton onto spikes of dread
To slice me open dissect my head
And leave the rest for flocks of words
Shameful days and epic songs of supple ambivalence
Ambiguous will from tiny voices veiled in silence.
I am hidden
I am stained
I remain despite you
There is nothing left when the saint renounces the church and you no longer dwell in my temple
Or linger still your incense burns my lungs
The remnants of your ghost that fills and taints my blood
The feast is done but my hunger remains
I shall not be full while I hide your stain
I don’t trust myself
Convenient amnesia could have a mind of its own
And take me quietly away in a storm
To awake on a desert island with no way to recourse
No calendar fact
Tidy time washed away
Gone
No one to hear my cries
No one knows where I’ve gone
No one to take care of business
When atlas drops the ball the weight of the world shatters
Armageddon and the end times have begun
Zefaeria Atlas is doing fine
Then chapter seven ends
Unresolved
He didn’t know my name
Mahatnu terra fy simple things
In the deepest darkest recesses
In the prose of Poe
I dwell in anguish eternal in my hell
Passionate affection for splinters on my south wall
That hides the secrets I cannot tell
Not even to me will I reveal
What lies beyond the darkness there
In malicious shadows I have veiled
Voices strangled silenced hushed
That haunt my head in dead of night
By light of day, in busy rush
In silent reflection and hurried haste
In noise or not the ashes fly
Silent echoes deafen my soul and strangle me inside
Strange bedfellows this ghost and I
Save me he was there
I’m afraid it will end and so will i
What is there beyond this point
If I knock down the wall will the house fall in
Crushing me and all that is
What composes me why do I live
These things consume me and become me
They live as me they steal my name
When I emerge it’s not the same
The live album never sounds like the original recording
I fall to the ground and crawl to the chair
I cry for help but no one is there
Alone in agony to writhe in pain
The threat of death my bane
Help me
Help me
Help me be ok
Help me
This is not real
It does not sound right
These lies escape me
No memory of the fight
Iw as not there
I did not scream
I brought upon myself the wrath
I deserved every last hit bite and scratch
Purple fingerprints remain on my skin
Reminders of my darkest sins
I asked for this I did not fight
I welcomed it with wretched delight
Watch my flight my soul does flips
I return the vengeful tendencies lie within
Echo ping I call your name
Returns with nothing but the same
Send it out to echo again
Thru the emptiness of space and time begin
Back and forth I go with myself until in exhaustion
I despair in my quest
I am trapped in a corner in the middle of nowhere
Cycle it round to go round again
Merry go round of displeasure and pain
When I invited you, you would not come
But satisfied to take it in your time
As you slide past indecisioning "no" into your partner’s immobile snow
“Save yourself for last you pretty dish
As I blow out your candle
Make a wish
Say goodbye to what you see
Extinguishing you cease to be”
Release the hand then
Nick of time
“The deed is done I am satisfied
You are nothing to me I hear not your cries”
You *BEEP*ing asshole
I died.
This afterlife dream has served me well
Until this point but now it’s real
A ghost I haunt memory remains
And in my hand I hold your stain
Pandora’s box then housed my soul
My thoughts my dreams my castles well
Nail my coffin seal my fate
Raise me up in flames of hate
Seathing breath like choking smoke
What was there
Now there are three
I am on the page
Save me

#2 dogdreams

dogdreams

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  • Location:Portland, OR
  • Interests:Gaming, science, Halloween, music (am I being too generic??)

Posted 01 June 2009 - 04:27 AM

Believe it or not, I sat down and wrote this continuously one night until it was done. I didn't even try to tie anything together...just free writing, and my mind always in the moment of the line I was on. I didn't stop until I was done and had said what needed to be said. Even as I read it now it seems very telling of those deepest parts of me. Hope it's not TMI. Thanks for reading. smile.gif