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Ooooooooooomg I'm So Sleepy


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#1 sleepless sleeper

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Posted 06 May 2009 - 01:57 AM

ooooooooooooooomg i'm so sleepy. no drugs in a while. i'm out of my mind , but you know what? creativity is high, but my body says no i can't physically express it. is it N? or has my judgement always been skewed? do i see life differently anywhose?

oooooooo ho. man. wow. sleep. deprived.

must.........
get................................
sleep.

omg. i gotta tell y'all about my mother in law. i can't drive, but she has offered to take me places. i had her taking me to doc appts, but NO MORE. aw,geez. hey, y'all ever been so embarrassed by a person that you don't go in public anymore? oh, wait, that's right. y'all proly wouldn't be seen with me in public. well anyway.

so, to get from here to the hospital for my mri, we have to drive through a rez. I am too sleepy to tell this story right now and MUST go lay down for what my body is telling me will be sleep. damn trickster. the seducer. i KNOW that when my head meets pillow that i will not sleep but my eyes hurt so much and i will not be able to read or get back on here. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. teaser.

wish upon your stars tonight
that i may get the sleep
that maybe i might
sleep the sleep , ah,
sleep the sleep, um,
sleeeeeeeeeeeep th teh sslsllllllllllip
slip in the sheet
sign thats bright
asleep in me bed
pray whats right


yeah, is time to go...
tell story later
iz funny now that iz over
crazy in laws
that's what she say about me
-------------------------------------- came back in edit mode: (on facebook, you can go stealth mode. incognito)

O help me pls cuz i kno when i lay down i ain't sleepin. its punishemnt. its pain. its sadistic. its masochistic. i want to lay down so badly. i knwo when i do that i won't sleep and i'll be laying there thinking why did i turn off the computer, then i'llthink but iz better cuz i won't be looking at a lit screen anymore. but my eyes will still hurt. no sleep. sleep deprived. insane and its ok if i didn't have others around. but not alone. iz bad alone. my stars is scary alone. iz like black vacuum space, outerspace. vacuum. I can't breath when that happens. traipsing down my mental lane.

my ode to sleep...
so sweet
my love
yearning
unrequited

can rejection by sleep cause feelings of inadequacy?

yes

my picture on sleep blog would yeild a "FAIL" vote.

at sleep's house:
Me: knock, knock
sleep: who's there?
Me: me
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
Me: is anybody home?
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
Me: anybody?

I would be the one that got the cop's called on them becuase i would be seen going around to the back of the house to see if maybe sleep had to go out back for some reason.
I am so naive.
I would actually give sleep credit and assume that sleep didn't slip out the back door. maybe sleep fell down trying to unlock the door to open it for me and sleep knocked himself unconscious. I would give sleep cpr and mouth to mouth.
How the hell does a person give mouth to mouth to sleep? where would i find sleep's mouth anyway? why would sleep live in a house for that matter?

i don't know. gliding through my space like i can fly. in the first Superman movie that came out in the late 70's (i think) with Christopher Reeves. He takes Lois Lane flying and she can fly even though its her fingertips touching his. flying in the sky in the black night. it's warm and peaceful and you feel so good that you can drift off like a baby when it nurses. soaring. i need to go do some mental imagery to help me sleep. maybe i'll make it this time. maybe i'll make a perfect landing. i've mastered the air. night all. sleep well, sleep tight.





#2 Lais02

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Posted 06 May 2009 - 01:00 PM

QUOTE (sleepless sleeper @ May 5 2009, 11:57 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
at sleep's house:
Me: knock, knock
sleep: who's there?
Me: me
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
Me: is anybody home?
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
sleep:
Me: anybody?


I HATE it when he doesn't answer the door! smile.gif

So what was the story?

#3 angellus

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Posted 06 May 2009 - 06:43 PM

QUOTE (Lais02 @ May 6 2009, 02:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I HATE it when he doesn't answer the door! smile.gif

So what was the story?


that was great story..

oh and i slept from 9-6 today a hour break for a bowl of cereal... i feel like i have sleep drunkenness..ughhh how much more worthless can i feel?

#4 sleepless sleeper

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Posted 06 May 2009 - 10:39 PM

Let's see if i have time to type this out. I will not use acceptable sentence structure or grammar; nor will there be understandable logic. Read at your own risque.

my mother in law (mnl) is half cherokee. she misses a rez, i think. she is awesome. but that said- she likes attn. i will skip the whole going to the shoshone casino for now. i'll start with our second trip to rez. i went to get my mri, and some of you may recall that i needed to get put to sleep in order to get my claustrophobia ridden head into the tube. well, we learned that becaue the first time that i went , mnl took me, and that trip they gave me valium. not a biggie compared tophenolbarbitol, but not enough to calm me for mri. so she drives me back home, and the kids are with us. we need to drive thru rez to get home. we have to stop at grocery store there because cigs are MUCH cheaper on rez (its a tax thing). i was apprehensive to have her go in with me to get her cigs because of our previous trip experience. so i say for her to stay and i'll go in, brb. k? not difficult to understnd. oml. i'm at counter, get her cigs, cashier checking out. in walks mnl with the kids and walk right past me. "hey wait" "what else do u need?" "i've got ur cigs here" . so she comes over, i show her all the junk food that i have for us for the car because we still have about 45 min to get home. i am a bit buzzy from valium that didn't work enough for mri and when i was supposed to sign the slip, mnl lowdly declares to cashier and the store that i'm drunk.

yeah.

so i'm standing there, the cashier is looking at me. smirking. laughing his a off. on the inside. he's laffing w/ me not at me. so here's two white women on the rez in the shoshone store getting drunk buying cheap cigs and showin off as only two white women on the rez do. he looking at me trying to assess what mnl has said.

I sign the credit card slip and i must admit, my name was illegible and all over the page. slip. i mean, i signed the electronic pad with the electronic pen on the line that is drawn on there, and it STILL came out all OVER the stinking receipt. how the h did i pull that one off? yeah, everybody had to look.

i sheepishly averted my eyes and said that i had been to get mri and, well, etc. i was embarrassed. i'm not kidding. the whole store heard her. she talking about 80 decibels louder than normal, laughing. iz ok. she's mnl, and she deserves respect, tolerance, whatever she needs. that's what elders have earned. but, darn. it lessens the embarrassment none at all. ok. so we leave the store, but can we go home. oh hellz no. we must go sit in front of the store so she can smoke her cig. the parking lot is full of people becuase iz friday afternoon and peeps are there to cash checks, etc. of all the picnic tables to sit at, we must sit at the one that has some young men in it. so we're there, i'm sitting w/ my back to parking lot because its not the best feeling to be someplace that your not wanted. maybe even hated a bit. so we sit and mnl blurts out "SSSS*BEEP*!" Much louder than normal. my kids are there. she never cusses like that in front of them- well with me there. she asks ME if i have any matches. What? me? ah, no. she asks the KIDS if they got any matches in the store. oh, heck. i know where this is going. i put my forehead in my hand as i completely turn my back to the parking lot and will myself to be as tiny as i possibly can be and actually imagine myself on a remote island where i can hear nothing but the surf singing sweet songs that do not involve matches.

Yes, she then turns, too quickly to hear an answer from the chillens, to the men in the car. late teens, maybe early 20s. they are smoking in their car.

her: "do u have a match"
them: "no"
her: "do u have lighter"
them: "no"

so she goes in the store gets matches. i'm sitting there physically but mentally i'm on vacation. the kids look at me and ask whats wrong with granny. lord only knows, my darlins. give her respect and don't say anythign. in the mean time, these guys lit a new cig. out comes granny. so she lights up. she must still declare her need for attn to the world, which was the rez, and says "your mother is drunk." loudly.

mama, are u drunk?

i'm ready to go. "i think rick will be home soon." ok, mnl says. lets go. thank you God. I slink through the full parking as tiny as i can will myself,herding the kids so that i will have a shield around me and we get back to the car and go home. mercifully, her voice goes back to normal. i am not going to have her take me back to doctor appts. it never fails. the casino and the previous shop trip were bad. i dont' know.

#5 angellus

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 08:51 AM

i'm ready to go. "i think rick will be home soon." ok, mnl says. lets go. thank you God. I slink through the full parking as tiny as i can will myself,herding the kids so that i will have a shield around me and we get back to the car and go home. mercifully, her voice goes back to normal. i am not going to have her take me back to doctor appts. it never fails. the casino and the previous shop trip were bad. i dont' know.
[/quote]

cant you ask please dont announce to the world im drunk?

#6 angellus

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 08:51 AM

or if she does it again...lol and this would be me.. i would yell.. Im not drunk! Im high!! theres a difference!

#7 sleepless sleeper

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 10:43 AM

QUOTE (angellus @ May 7 2009, 07:51 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
i'm ready to go. "i think rick will be home soon." ok, mnl says. lets go. thank you God. I slink through the full parking as tiny as i can will myself,herding the kids so that i will have a shield around me and we get back to the car and go home. mercifully, her voice goes back to normal. i am not going to have her take me back to doctor appts. it never fails. the casino and the previous shop trip were bad. i dont' know.


cant you ask please dont announce to the world im drunk?


Not in front of everyone.

#8 jenji

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 11:48 AM

Sleepless:

Asking mnl to quit acting up is giving her another kind of attention and she's well aware of it; you said she needs to be the center of attention, so I'm sure negative attention counts as well. She sounds like a passive-aggressive pain the the ass, so stop showing any kind of embarrassment or reaction and she'll probably escalate for a little while (b/c you're not playing her game) and then without your reaction she'll eventually give up and focus her dysfunction onto someone else who will tolerate her immaturity and cut the crap with you.

Most people wouldn't tolerate being treated so disrespectively (even though she did you a favor driving you to the appointment it doesn't mean she's allowed to degrade and embarrass you), b/c that's what she's doing to you, disrespecting you and her grandchildren--your children, who are building who they are; modeling who they want to be and how they wanted to be treated by others later in life by what surrounds them now; by what they witness and see), and so this whole "she deserves respect/tolerance" is nonsense and I'm sure underneath the abuse she has heaped upon you, that you realize this deep down.

Respect is earned and this type of behavior (which doesn't sound like a one-time incident) is not of an individual that earns nor deserves your respect. And if she's fantastic and wonderful the other 99% of the time, this incident alone overshadows any good that she may offer.

You know what to do. I mean, your post tries to sound as if mnl is up to her old shenanigans as if this incident were just an embarrassing sitcom moment; ---Good Ol MomNL, you know how she is (cue laugh track)---....well, I don't buy it. I was/am insulted for you.

Stop being her victim and focus on being a strong mother who stands up for herself and doesn't take abuse from anyone regardless of who they are, isn't that what you'd want them to do? Use your limited energies to take care of yourself and your kids, not on tolerating this kind of disrespect and immaturity.

I wish you only the best,
jenji

#9 angellus

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 01:21 PM

QUOTE (sleepless sleeper @ May 7 2009, 11:43 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Not in front of everyone.


make a phone call, tell her it embaresses you.. if you cant tell her then..,. you have no way to hope it will change.. now if you told her that and sher blows up at you well then thats on her.. just asserte yourself. or ill come out there and let her drive me around..I will make her the center of attention..

#10 angellus

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 01:23 PM

here here to jenji's reply... dont just get mad.. get Glad..

#11 sleepless sleeper

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 09:19 PM

QUOTE (jenji @ May 7 2009, 10:48 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Sleepless:

Asking mnl to quit acting up is giving her another kind of attention and she's well aware of it; you said she needs to be the center of attention,


Actually, its only on the rez. Most first people are STRONG in respecting their elders, and if I had said anything to her in front of them, then I would have been the one in the wrong. I know that the cashier understood what was going on, and I know I had his respect in both incidents that he was involved with. The others, well, I guess that it doesn't matter.

I don't know if anyone can tell or not (ha ha), but when I made my original post, I was crazy on insomnia. I assume that at least one person here may have guessed by now that I can get way out in my own outer space once I've gone more than 24 hours without sleep. Or when I take my meds. darned if i do, darned if i don't. But anyway, when I brought up this story, it was making me laugh and I thought it was funny. I came back later and someone asked about it, so I typed it out. It really isn't funny, and now I don't know what humor I was trying to relay. The entire original post is just me being wired, insane, and lonely - wanting to talk and not lay down because i hate laying down and not sleeping. I get paranoid when I'm like that. Not always, and that is a new development. I think that is where the comment about being scared while alone came from. I needed to just talk to avoid my insomnia reality.

#12 sleepless sleeper

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Posted 07 May 2009 - 09:47 PM

QUOTE (angellus @ May 7 2009, 12:21 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
make a phone call, tell her it embaresses you.. if you cant tell her then..,. you have no way to hope it will change.. now if you told her that and sher blows up at you well then thats on her.. just asserte yourself. or ill come out there and let her drive me around..I will make her the center of attention..


pls do. i need a visitor here for a while. i live too far away for anyone to come. like they would anyway.

She truly is a good person and has been my N salvation. When I need her, she is there. Always. Considering that it is only on the reservation, then I am willing to concede it to her and just avoid the place. It's worked so far. I think that people we usually see there are learning us, and they see what's going on. They have actually been nicer to me compared to the first couple of times. Leariness of outsiders and whites is still very real so to see their attitude change toward me is actually a sign to me that I'm doing the right thing. Otherwise, I would somehow approach it at some point in time, or just never go anywhere with her ever again. Getting back to Jenji, this is the 1% of the time, and others she truly is a salvation. I can't put it any other way because she is that big of a help. She has tolerated so much from me. Can you imagine being around me all the time? I can be a true embarrassment in other ways, and she has never, ever, ever complained about me. She has actually taken up for me numerous times.

I honestly don't know what humor i found in the story, but somehow while wired from no sleep I found it hilarious. I wanted to share such jocularity with all y'all, and I'm positive that it must have been my life's mission at that point. I dont' see her as a problem, especially compared to my blood relatives. She's been the one that has been there for me, even when my own mother was dying. But Jenji, what you say is true. And I think of you now as a closer friend for trying to show me how to take up for myself. Thank you so very dearly.

And Angellus, same goes for you.
wink.gif