Jump to content


Photo

Bluberry Muffins


  • Please log in to reply
19 replies to this topic

#1 Mr BluBerry

Mr BluBerry

    Member

  • Members
  • 23 posts

Posted 14 April 2009 - 08:20 PM

i dont know what i am going to say, neither do i care.
i am *BEEP*ing pissed off, angry and tired and i hate everyone and everything.
people just constantly try and push you to your limits, and then when u flip, snap their neck and murder everyone close to them do they realise (whilst in intestive care wearing a neck brace)
they say i have a disease called narcolepsy. this is a chronic condition wich *BEEP*s up my life everyday and will do for the rest of my life. i cant help it. at all.
all the rest of you, you come under 2 categories: normal, and then there are those of you who also suffer from a even more severe, a more disabling and more *BEEP*ed up disorder. i dont know the scientific name for it, but i call it ignorance.
you mother *BEEP*ers wouldnt go to an AIDs convention chattin bull*BEEP* about how it doesnt exist or it isnt real, or even trying to chat up some of the patients, then why the *BEEP* do people persistantly not believe that there may be a condition called narcolepsy?
all you *BEEP*es complain if you are woken up too early, you complain when you have had 'only 4 hours of sleep last night',
you complain when you go to bed too late, but you refuse to understand how the *BEEP* it feels to not have sleep at night, at all, when you want to go to sleep, for years. and to those that think that i may some day get better and give me false hope; *BEEP* YOU. cant you bastards see that day by day my condition is destined to get worse? if i cant sleep when i want to, and i can only sleep when i DONT want to, and i can only sleep for a few minutes at a time before i wake up and then am left alert for an hour, before i go into zombie mode, which is the limbo between the surreal world and reality, until i cant bear to hold my eyes open any longer and i enter another uninvited intense period of sporadic REM sleep, how the *BEEP* do you ever expect me to get better?
telling me to go to sleep earlier doesnt make any difference. telling me that because i dont go to sleep earlier is the cause of my problems DOES make a difference, because cataplexy is part and parcel of narcolepsy, and so when you mother *BEEP*in bastards piss me off by chatting *BEEP* about bull*BEEP* you have no knowledge on, it makes me angry, which in turn throws me into a vicious cycle:
im angry
i start noticing im gettin weaker
i get more angry at that fact that i am geting weaker for getting angry
and i get even weaker because i am getting angry because im getting weaker becuase im getting angry
i get more angry at the fact that im getting weaker at the thought of getting angry about feeling weaker because im getting angry
and i get even weaker because i am getting more angry becuase im getting even weaker because im getting more angry which makes me weaker because i got angry
and then i get angry that i am=

BOOM!!!!

Mr BluBerry is on the floor.
and then you mother *BEEP*ers poke me in the face, you pinch my ears, you put your fingers under my nose, you shake me about, you push your knuckles into my chest, laugh at me, draw on my defenseless body, write dirty messages and draw dirty pictures on me and tell others that im faking it.

and then

when

i dont get up.
you stop laughing.
you stop joking.
you stop *BEEP*ing about.
and you call the *BEEP*ing ambulance.

and the paramedics come, and

Mr BluBerry is on the floor.
and then these mother *BEEP*ers poke me in the face, pinch my ears, put their fingers under my nose, shake me about, push their knuckles into my chest, laugh at me, at the drawings on my defenseless body, giggle at the dirty messages and the dirty pictures on me and then tell others i may be faking it

and then

when

i dont get up.
you stop laughing.
you stop joking.
you stop *BEEP*ing about.
and you put me in the *BEEP*ing ambulance.

then you take me to the hospital. by which time i am probably up because it is the single time in the whole experience where i get the only thing i needed in the first place: some peace and quiet to help me feel calm and secure.
and then you keep me in the waiting rooms, for hours and hours and hours and hours.
and then you interview me, ask me bull*BEEP* questions. i answer your bull*BEEP* questions with real answers which doesnt match the criteria for your bull*BEEP* multiple choice form and so you plague my ears with more bull*BEEP*, making me more angry and pissed off, pushing me towards the very reason i was brought to this place.
and then
when the *BEEP*ng doctor sees me, he takes test. more tests. tels me to lie on a stretcher. takes some blood tests. asks me if i am on drugs.
and then
i am told to wait another hour. and then another hour. and then another hour.
and then you come back
and you tell me
i am

perfectly fine, but i should go and see my GP.

i see my GP, and he is high as *BEEP* in his office with a bong hidden behind his computer, thinking i cant see it when the smell is enough to raise bob marley from his grave. he tells me i am having afternoon naps and that i should drink coffee.

coffee dont work. tea dont work. red bull works more but no where near as good as it could.
and then you institution leaders and stuck up bastards kick me outta grammar school because i am too 'street' for you and you dont want the working class taking jobs that they have every right to have, and you mask it by saying im constantly on drugs as evident from the Excessive Daytime Sleep i seem to be displaying and then when my grades match that of someone who has been sleeping, you kick me out.


there are two types of people in this world: normal, and those with a chronic mental disease wich will be their eventual downfall and lead to a lifetime of regret guilt and depression; Ignorance.


id rather be narcoleptic than ignorant any day.

#2 Lais02

Lais02

    Member

  • Members
  • 295 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Minnesota

Posted 15 April 2009 - 12:42 AM

me too.

I can relate pretty well to some of that. If you check any of my posts from last summer you'd see I got kicked out of school too, and the school wouldn't believe I had N. My friends/family didn't believe in N. lol. People are ignorant.

Writing here really helped me, and I hope it helps you too to just get all of that off your chest.

Thanks for sharing that with us, and don't forget we're all here for you! smile.gif

#3 Henry G

Henry G

    Member

  • Members
  • 302 posts

Posted 15 April 2009 - 04:40 AM

was that a rap?

could it be made into one?

sorry got music in mind
.. redoing a music production studio website
- anything i see, read or hear comes back to me
filtered as music .. y0 aham aham ...

#4 sleepless sleeper

sleepless sleeper

    Member

  • Members
  • 877 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 15 April 2009 - 11:26 AM

Yeah, Bluberry...

iz r life...


they changed my post from mentioning that i wanted a finger icon to something along the lines of "i don't know how to express myself." 3M, i love u, 2

This is the place to be, bb. welcome aboard.








#5 Mr BluBerry

Mr BluBerry

    Member

  • Members
  • 23 posts

Posted 16 April 2009 - 05:52 AM

QUOTE (Henry G @ Apr 15 2009, 09:40 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
was that a rap?

could it be made into one?

sorry got music in mind
.. redoing a music production studio website
- anything i see, read or hear comes back to me
filtered as music .. y0 aham aham ...



well, thats interesting you should say that, i am a spoken word artist, rapper, beatboxer, actor and music producer

and i was intending to convert that piece to a spoken word piece. message me your website or something...we could work on something in the future wink.gif



QUOTE
they changed my post from mentioning that i wanted a finger icon to something along the lines of "i don't know how to express myself.


lol! i shouldve done that!

#6 Henry G

Henry G

    Member

  • Members
  • 302 posts

Posted 18 April 2009 - 03:07 AM

QUOTE (Mr BluBerry @ Apr 16 2009, 11:52 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
well, thats interesting you should say that, i am a spoken word artist, rapper, beatboxer, actor and music producer

and i was intending to convert that piece to a spoken word piece. message me your website or something...we could work on something in the future wink.gif


The website i am rewriting is this music production

What happened at the time is that the person would have freaked out if I told him it would've take me 6 months to finish his project.

So it was done in a rush (ie 3 months). Hence not so good.

I take very long to do websites - because I do something very few people know and master.

I get websites to spot very high on Google

This takes a lot of time, effort, research, studying, etc

But to do it in a lesser time I had to cut corners, so what suffered was the design and text.

What I kept was very high Google ratings:

music production in london
recording studio in london
music studio for hire
recording studio for hire
production recording

all these phrases should show the website "whitelighproduction.com" on the first page of Google.


But this time Tony asked me to rework the site as I would at first, giving it more time this time - making everything 100% - not only Google results, but design & text.

So I will give him the best website I've ever created.

And I will most likely make him very famous and rich
( cos that is my supreme power smile.gif )

My work is here.

Now my own website is pretty ugly but I don't care because I tend to concentrate on others instead of me.

The websites I tend to create tend to be straight to the point (almost boring). Only because I've discovered that is what make it become succesful.
In fact people are grateful, they just want a small message, a contact phone number and that is that. No flashing intros etc.

But if I become more deeply involved with the entertainment industry I may need to change that approach.

I am going to be seriously busy with Tony's project for the next 3 months.
Then I may be commissioned to web-promote a new album when it's out.

If you want to add me I have a MySpace

(although I rarely there, still may come in handy in future)

When (and If) - I ended up web-promoting that album. Then I need to learn myself new things. I've never done music web-promoting before. The only thing I know what to do (and am quite possibly the best in the world) - is getting a website to rank high on many search engines for many search phrases. And yeah saving business and individuals (if only they are smart & brave enough to trust me and hire me)

If you have a sample of your music on the web somehwhere I would like to have a listen.

#7 dogdreams

dogdreams

    Member

  • Members
  • 494 posts
  • Location:Portland, OR
  • Interests:Gaming, science, Halloween, music (am I being too generic??)

Posted 18 April 2009 - 03:54 PM

Nice! You just described my entire relationship with my 2nd boyfriend and my trials with trying to get diagnosed. I'm so glad I'm not the only one that's gone through that. It was miserable. Not that I'd wish it on anyone, of course! But the pinching, biting, slapping all to 'snap me out of it' just didn't work. When I asked him to do it where the bruises wouldn't show, he said he couldn't because of my N. We broke up not long afterwards. 2 years of

Z is on the floor.
pinch my arm
bite my arm hard
tap my face when I can't protect my eyes and freak me the hell out
drop me, leave me there for hours
ignore me
Faker.

I don't get up. Someone else comes in the room.

Z is on the floor.
Call the ambulance.
pinch and twist the skin on my chest
stab my finger to get blood for a glucose test
stab my arm
notice the tooth-shaped bruise on my arm. shrug.
stick smelling salts under my nose
threaten to forcibly catheterize me if I don't confess to taking street drugs
you're not helping

boyfriend walks in, calm, good looking, well dressed
they listen to him
you just want attention from your boyfriend
it's all psychological

are you pregnant? must be pregnant.
tests are normal. you are normal.
must be psycho. must be needy
waste of time. waste of space.
Faker!
send me home with my parents.
send me home to my boyfriend who will

pinch me
bite me
slap my face when I can't defend my eyes
and worse...I shouldn't say.

That was a long time ago.

#8 sleepless sleeper

sleepless sleeper

    Member

  • Members
  • 877 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 18 April 2009 - 04:01 PM

was this the same bf that said WalMart was like a 3rd world country?

#9 dogdreams

dogdreams

    Member

  • Members
  • 494 posts
  • Location:Portland, OR
  • Interests:Gaming, science, Halloween, music (am I being too generic??)

Posted 19 April 2009 - 10:48 AM

QUOTE (sleepless sleeper @ Apr 18 2009, 02:01 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
was this the same bf that said WalMart was like a 3rd world country?

HAHA! YES! Worst. Boyfriend. Ever. What was I thinking?

#10 sleepless sleeper

sleepless sleeper

    Member

  • Members
  • 877 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 19 April 2009 - 01:34 PM

HAHA! YES! Worst. Boyfriend. Ever. What was I thinking?

I am not purposely being bad here. I sincerely promise that I'm not. Even though women have only one head, somehow, sometimes, they think with... I can't complete that statement. Maybe it's better that women aren't supposed to have high levels of testosterone. There is no other excuse for us dating losers. We all have one or two in our past. Such an awesome woman like DD dating such a sob is inconceivable otherwise.


#11 dogdreams

dogdreams

    Member

  • Members
  • 494 posts
  • Location:Portland, OR
  • Interests:Gaming, science, Halloween, music (am I being too generic??)

Posted 19 April 2009 - 03:58 PM

I believe it's a cultural thing. If you take psychology of gender, you'll see what I mean. Back then, I thought that's how relationships were supposed to be. I thought his abuse was a normal thing I had to put up with if I wanted to have a boyfriend. I didn't even think of it as abuse and none of my friends would listen when I tried to complain. What pisses me off is people saw the bruises and didn't think anything of it either. Nurses in hospitals just shrugged their shoulders. My parents, even! I was just a 20-yr-old kid. What did I know?

Our culture trains us to fit in these roles and we don't even notice it. The first Pirates of the Carribean movie is the perfect example. People hate it when I go on my little rant about it because once I point those things out to them, they say I ruin the movie for them. So I won't go into detail here...quite honestly I don't know if I can even remember all the scenes, but the symbolism was so blatant it was like hitting me over the head with a 2x4. It was uncomfortable for me to sit in a theater full of 10-year-olds laughing at jokes about the very things that get us into situations like what I was in with my ex. And I knew they'd go home and start acting out those roles because they were 'cool'. So not cool. I was very angry when I got out of the theater and my friends did not like my rants afterwards.

But it's not just Disney...it's everywhere. Literally everywhere we look. I know exactly why I let that kind of crap go on in my past relationships and I knew how to end the cycle and how to find someone who's nice to me. All is good now. I still have panic attacks in doctor offices and they look at me like I'm insane...I had some pretty bad PTSD for awhile from this ex-boyfriend and doctors being so mean and blaming it on my N all at the same time but I'm getting beyond it, slowly. Man...my 20's sucked! lol

#12 shallow_water

shallow_water

    Member

  • Members
  • 75 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Pennsylvania
  • Interests:The lights of my life are God,my husband, my sons and of course my dog jake!

Posted 05 May 2009 - 09:03 PM

QUOTE (dogdreams @ Apr 19 2009, 04:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Man...my 20's sucked! lol



Mine too........lol

#13 Mr BluBerry

Mr BluBerry

    Member

  • Members
  • 23 posts

Posted 08 May 2009 - 08:11 PM

QUOTE (shallow_water @ May 6 2009, 02:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Mine too........lol


mine havent started yet... sad.gif

#14 sleepless sleeper

sleepless sleeper

    Member

  • Members
  • 877 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 09 May 2009 - 12:37 AM

Mr BB, why are u sad ur 20's haven't started yet?

#15 Mr BluBerry

Mr BluBerry

    Member

  • Members
  • 23 posts

Posted 09 May 2009 - 07:03 AM

cuz lifes good now...and every1 seems to think their 20s sucked


i was looking foreward to my 20s sad.gif

#16 sleepless sleeper

sleepless sleeper

    Member

  • Members
  • 877 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 09 May 2009 - 12:31 PM

I liked my 20's, especially my mid to late twenties. Life right out of college was the best time of my life for me. If you enjoy your life now, you will LOVE your 20's. Don't be afraid. Step forward with all the gusto for life that I know that you already have. You will shine brighter than many around you and you will do this all with laughter and ease. Have fun. Enjoy. Dance. Sing. Drink. Live and Love a lot. biggrin.gif

#17 Lais02

Lais02

    Member

  • Members
  • 295 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Minnesota

Posted 09 May 2009 - 02:36 PM

QUOTE (Mr BluBerry @ May 9 2009, 05:03 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
cuz lifes good now...and every1 seems to think their 20s sucked


i was looking foreward to my 20s sad.gif


I'm in the middle of my 20's and I'm loving them! My teens sure sucked though!


#18 Henry G

Henry G

    Member

  • Members
  • 302 posts

Posted 09 May 2009 - 05:34 PM

Your 20's don't have to suck.

Just find out WHY other people's 20's sucked and avoid their common mistakes.

Also avoid people that put other people down cos of their age.

I remember when on my 20's ... people on their 40's (maybe it's a 40's thing more than a 30's thing) ... enjoyed putting me down.

Like mild bullying.

So I vowed to not follow the same path.

So even if I notice a tinge of naivity or inexperience on people younger than me now - DUH ! they are YOUNGER after all .. I never let that be a reason to exert my power or false sense-of-confidence.

Maybe that was it - those people probably now in their 60s hahaha .. lacked self-confidence and self-esteem and so needed an easy target by which they could somehow feel better or superior to .. and so they found me - and other 20's to do the trick.

Having said that, I also remember the other group - that treated me with respect.

Sorry to be cliche' but it's so weird this thing but "respect" and "dignity" is such a powerful currency.

You can get so much out of any form relationship (business or others) any sort of liason - through respect.

There is this Hospital in England - I once offered to help out. You know in my own time and all.

The guy that I was in touch with always showed immense respect. And that was all that was needed.

The ladies bosses admins or what have you - chose their easier route: to play with me around. play games; games so well played that they could easily convince themselves they were right - or try that on me.

They thought I needed them - but they barely needed me.
They made themselves believe (humans are good at self-deception) that my input was marginal, but their help overly generous.
And that it was I - that messed the whole thing up - when in reality it was them.

I never had a problem with that initial guy for 2 years - but did with them.

Through my input, I estimate they began profiting some $100,000 a year. Minimum.

All I asked for, and ultimately begged for - was help for me to travel to Brazil.

The ladies chose to enjoy the situation. The power. Oh wonderful power. And treat me like *BEEP*, showing me the door way out.

So here it comes. I vowed never to help them again. I delivered a hospital web-system. Once that was done, they got what they needed - they pushed me out - "thank you very much but bye now".

But they forgot one thing. That anyone in their right mind would never kick out the creator of the system. I mean that is the MOST STUPID THING TO DO.

Because - had they shown "respect" I would be happy to maintain their system too.

Instead of sitting back and witnessing their incompetence at destroying what I created and having noone to help - apart from spending A LOT OF MONEY on IT-Contractors that will ensure and milk them dry

Not money. Respect.
Not praises. Respect.

And even if they couldn't help me with brazil - I wouldn't run away. Because it was not the Brazil thing that made me not wanting to ever help them again. It was again: respect.

The proof of that is simple:

There is a guy I am helping, and the price of the website could have easily paid for my ticket for Brazil. But he is broke at the moment, he invested everything on the production of the new album. But that money will come back.

I could easily have chosen to abandon his project. Or starting only when I see 1/2 or the full amount.

But this person, has shown me a lot of respect in the past. And because of that I chose to help him this time and return the compliment.

What goes around comes around .. well .. mostly.

Never underestimate people - you never know when you will need them. Whoever they are. However apparently "powerless" or "useless" they are.

Sure, that doesn't mean you should be a creep to everyone. I know I am not. But the reasons to put down or undermine other people should never be just because they are an easy target or you feel like some "indirect" revenge.

#19 Mr BluBerry

Mr BluBerry

    Member

  • Members
  • 23 posts

Posted 10 May 2009 - 11:59 AM

lol i was joking, but yeah...

its true what u all are saying. im actually looking foreward to my 20s. N or not, a little sleep cant stop me


besides, all i intend to do is get high and make music for the rest of my life so i guess it aint gonna be hard hehe tongue.gif

#20 sleepless sleeper

sleepless sleeper

    Member

  • Members
  • 877 posts
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 10 May 2009 - 07:06 PM

yeah, hehe
or heh heh