Okay To Delete?
Posted 12 February 2009 - 12:06 AM
Posted 12 February 2009 - 09:27 AM
I usually prefer not to delete my posts. Even if I regret on hindsight.
Reason being, it reflects what I was feeling or thinking at the time.
Also I may judge I was wrong then, but who knows maybe I could be wrong now and the comment was right then.
Like photos. I was about to throw a photo of mine in the bin and was stopped by the cleaner at the time. I thought I looked ugly and dorky when in fact later discovered everyone liked that photo best.
Energy (precious energy) has been invested in writing that post. Surely it can't be all bad. And even if one can't see at this present time any value - maybe there is some important information being missed - that others might collect. And helping them making them feel glad they read your undeleted post.
Sometimes we can learn from a personally deemed bad self=post. I prefer not to delete
Posted 12 February 2009 - 09:31 AM
Got to understand - you never know .. what you may think it's a flaw. Others might find it cool cute interesting or charming
Posted 12 February 2009 - 10:56 PM
I'm referring to the posts that I made to Ryan. Actually, there are more, but I can't even follow the ones to him. I do think that what I say and do is what I must stand by, but I had started to get really sick when I registered as a user on NN. That is the time when I ended up in bed a lot and couldn't get enough energy to do more with my children other than meet their basic needs. It's been a difficult process to 1) accept what's happening to me physically, 2) realize that I allowed my mind to become a mexican jumping bean, and 3) work super hard to not become a mental case (well, realize first that I was doing a good job at becoming one). I knew that being in bed so much was causing problems, but ... I just realized that my entire time on NN is actually a journal of my acceptance of what was happening to me. It might not make sense to anybody, but I can make a correlation to denial, anger, and grief. I want to delete so much of what I've written here because I don't want to face the places where I've been in my thoughts the past 6 months. I'm so ashamed of myself that I could allow my mind to go places that don't even make sense to me now. I don't want to accept that I allowed myself to lose control of my mind. It's been quite a journey, and I'm happy that I know that I am now through the craziness that I allowed my grief to turn me into. I've got several physical issues that really hit hard at one time, and I also now realize that my mind was trying desperately to find answers that would provide me with something tangible - something that I could physically manipulate so that I could become 100% again. I have finally accepted that that is just not going to happen. It's baffling that I have shared so much of my past, but that's the way it is. It's time to move on.
I truly needed this site and every one of you. I believe that speaking my thoughts to other human beings but not having to look at anyone while speaking is what helped me move on to a peaceful, accepting state of mind. This has been a humbling experience, and I thank each and every one of you.
Posted 13 February 2009 - 06:44 AM
I try (as much as possible) even if artificially to renounce all and any guilt.
I have and will always makes mistakes. N-related or not.
30% of my actions will lead to mistakes, or blunders. I think that is the stats. So I have to embrace that fact and be more self-tolerant.
I've commit incredible serious blunders in the past. Some that would make any one of you cringe and thank the Heavens you are not Henry
My blunders would make most people blunders pale in insignificance.
I am not my Narcolepsy.
People accept their condition and think : well this is who I am.
All very fine.
But this is *not* who I am.
I am not my Narcolepsy.
And any mistakes or blunder which I understand was truly not my fault but N-related gets a grace ticket. Forgiveable completely.
When you feel less guilt it helps you look at things more objectively and face the facts and truth. Guilt absorbs energy. Making it harder to fight next round.
It is not easy to achieve a state of being (almost) guilt-free. So I used Bach Flowers. Placebo or not they seemed to the job.
I also been horrible to a few people in the past. But on realising my mistake said sorry apologise sincerely and all is forgiven / forgotten and it's like nothing has ever happened. And we are best friends.
In this "lonely" world - I have to respect and treat well my very best friend. Who happens to be : my very own self.