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#1 greatbig47

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 05:05 AM

So my Mom asks me what I want for Christmas via email...

I think...

I wanted you to be there during my divorce and not choose to "not get involved"
I want you to admit you had a chance to make your Grand daughters' lives better, and you pissed it away
I want to go back in time, and not get smacked around when I laughed and passed out.
I want you to really give a *BEEP* about who I am...no...really!
I want you to admit you really screwed up in a couple areas of your parenting skills
I want to feel like my family was there through thick and thin
I want a goddamn apology
I want to feel like I'm among honest people
I want to not have to worry about paying $230 a bottle for *BEEP*ing Provigil
I want to feel like what I think matters (at least for a minute in time)
I want my daughters to know I'm not the lazy monster their *BEEP* of a Mom told them I was
I want 10 more minutes with Dad before he lost his battle with cancer
I want to get REALLY messed up drunk without going into a coma
I want to be surrounded by people I don't have to question if I can trust them or not.
I want to be myself without being judged
I want you to admit you had no idea where I was living when I was 15...and didn't really give a *BEEP*.

I am blessed with the worlds greatest inlaws...I know this. They are the best example I know of what a family should be. My family is as messed up as it gets, only made worse by the illusion everything is just fine.

But when it comes to what I really want...it aint ever going to happen
Add to the list the hopes I can stop thinking any of the above will actually happen
It hurts too much

Christmas sucks this year

#2 chimbakka

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 11:21 AM

QUOTE (greatbig47 @ Dec 11 2008, 03:05 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So my Mom asks me what I want for Christmas via email...

I think...

I wanted you to be there during my divorce and not choose to "not get involved"
I want you to admit you had a chance to make your Grand daughters' lives better, and you pissed it away
I want to go back in time, and not get smacked around when I laughed and passed out.
I want you to really give a *BEEP* about who I am...no...really!
I want you to admit you really screwed up in a couple areas of your parenting skills
I want to feel like my family was there through thick and thin
I want a goddamn apology
I want to feel like I'm among honest people
I want to not have to worry about paying $230 a bottle for *BEEP*ing Provigil
I want to feel like what I think matters (at least for a minute in time)
I want my daughters to know I'm not the lazy monster their *BEEP* of a Mom told them I was
I want 10 more minutes with Dad before he lost his battle with cancer
I want to get REALLY messed up drunk without going into a coma
I want to be surrounded by people I don't have to question if I can trust them or not.
I want to be myself without being judged
I want you to admit you had no idea where I was living when I was 15...and didn't really give a *BEEP*.

I am blessed with the worlds greatest inlaws...I know this. They are the best example I know of what a family should be. My family is as messed up as it gets, only made worse by the illusion everything is just fine.

But when it comes to what I really want...it aint ever going to happen
Add to the list the hopes I can stop thinking any of the above will actually happen
It hurts too much

Christmas sucks this year



I wish I had hopeful encouraging words for you. Lets face it, in that department you are the man. so what do you say to the one who is always bringing everyone else up when they are down? I'm also not a fan of christmas... i'll pray with you that its over fast. it brings out the worse in people, and shines light on those without. boo to that.

There are so many things I wish my mum did differently... i used to be mad, then sad, then hurt, then ambivilant... now i just worry about me and the person I want me to be, and *BEEP* everyone else.

Though I don't know you personally i have seen you through your words to others and you are truely a remarkable person. no one can take that from you, and YOU are the one who made yourself no one else.

Everyone has something they can be judged upon. some people are just unfortunate enough to have it plastered on their sleeve for all to see. its easier for poeople to judge than face their own faults. you know this, but yes it still hurts

i honestly believe in karma (or whatever you want to call it) and the people who judge or *BEEP* up in a way that negatively influence the lives of others, at a point they will see. you have done a lot through this forum to give hope and relief to a lot of people you dont even know. notonly did you not judge, you held out your hand. that says a lot

i agree christmas sucks. and to top it all off its *BEEP*ing cold and snowing.
*hugz*

#3 greatbig47

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 11:48 AM

I think I just needed to get it out of my system. Writing it felt good in a strange way. I hate sounding like I'm *BEEP*ing about life. It helps to get my anger out by writing what I honestly feel.

Thank you so much, C~



#4 jenji

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 03:31 PM

[quote name='greatbig47' date='Dec 11 2008, 11:48 AM' post='7169']
I think I just needed to get it out of my system. Writing it felt good in a strange way. I hate sounding like I'm *BEEP*ing about life. It helps to get my anger out by writing what I honestly feel.

*BEEP*ing?

Stu. You, my friend, are an interminable ray of encouragement and proactive sunshine for everyone here on NN; an individual who exudes encouragement, affirmation and kind words for others 99% of the time, so one would expect that at least 1% of the time you’re going to be hard pressed to pull all that doo-dah-day sunshine out of your ass each and every post; each and every day! Especially around the holidays because yes, they can suck, particularly when one is exposed to a dysfunctional family that staggers around like thoughtless drones in the land of denial; it is infuriating and usually leads to a magnified sense of sadness and grief.

And if you’re anything like me (besides that whole falling down face first into your cereal during cartoons business), you probably use a considerable amount of precious energy trying to keep your own head above stormy, kick-in-the-pants waters, struggling to keep your chin up high towards the proactive clouds for yourself, your kids and your friends, all the while struggling with the rituals of daily life, a dysfunctional family, as well as the reality of that friggin $230 bottle of Provigil, in a world stacked with people who have absolutely no idea what it is you are going through, no matter how hard you try to explain it to them. They just don’t get it. Some cannot understand, while others simply refuse to understand. The latter of course, is reserved for those who should be shot down by the river like the dismissive trolls that they are. By the way, I do not condone violence--that is, unless you had it comin’ and I find that dismissive jag-offs usually have it comin.

So I ask: Why are we (am I) afforded with such a supportive, strong and encouraging individual here at NN -"aka Stu"-but you feel as though you need to justify your need to express your anger, hurt and/or overall urge to “*BEEP* about life?” Uh, don’t answer that, the question is completely rhetorical. You’re allowed to say Christmas sucks this year and further, encouraged to do so whenever you feel the need--of course, I must warn you that to *BEEP* about Christmas in July will look a bit loopy, but *BEEP* away.

My point; We (I) am not here to invalidate your worries, fears or anger, nor am I here to tell you to look at the bright side b/c I know that’s how you already get by every, single day.

So, *BEEP* away and don’t ever let me see you somewhat rueful for it again or I’ll be forced to hire a private investigator that will hunt you down and give me an address, wherein I’ll book a coach class flight--that is after I get someone to take care of my animals while I’m gone--rent a car, unless you want to pick me up at the airport, and find you so that I might say:

…well, wait…first I’d probably need to use your restroom, but then I would indeed say: there is never a need to regret or hate your need to *BEEP* about life. I get it, I’m here for you and give yourself a break.

May I just add that I would like to also nominate New Year’s Eve as a suck holiday? There I said it, New Year’s Eve sucks.

jenji

#5 sleepless sleeper

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 04:42 PM

Damn, Stu, you know I want to reply, but I just can't. One thing that came immediately to mind, though, is how caring you are. And yes, you are judged every day by everyone. But that term does not need to be negative because the judgment that you receive from people here is positive. I assume that our judgment is just as acceptable as Joe Blow's on the street?

A couple of weeks before I lost my mother to cancer, I climbed into her single hospital-style bed in her bedroom at about 4am. I didn't mean to wake her up, but we just held each other in the dark without exchanging one word. After about 20 minutes she said, "I will always be with you."

Out of everything that you list, if I could give you an elixir to cure the hurt from just one thing, it would be time with your father. There has been so much hurt in my past. To change any one family member's love towards me would be to change my entire life, and goodness only knows what that could bring. Not knowing Care from your mother is big, though, and I am truly sorry for that. But I cannot express enough how get down on the ground and grovel thankful that I am for those words that my mama said to me. I want you to know that happiness. I really don't know what else to say except that we're here.

#6 too exhausted

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 05:11 AM

QUOTE (greatbig47 @ Dec 11 2008, 04:48 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I think I just needed to get it out of my system. Writing it felt good in a strange way. I hate sounding like I'm *BEEP*ing about life. It helps to get my anger out by writing what I honestly feel.

Thank you so much, C~


Because you are a better person than your mum you can see how her actions effect not only her life but yours and your childrens. You don't need her approval. She obviously has not a clue what is important in life, you do. She hasn't registered what she has missed out on with her grandchildren and thats because she doesn't know these feelings. You won't make her mistake and don't worry about what could have been as it is a waste of your energy. I have been where you are and it has been hurtful to forgive and move on. All this pain and energy is being wasted as she won't thank you for it. Everyone is different, we can't chose are family but we can learn from their mistakes and make sure that we never repeat them. The experience has made you a caring person and this shows in all your posts. I have had issues with my dad and had counselling, saw a phychologist, hypontherapist etc. In the end you can not live somebodies life for them. Ignorant people will not listen, everything is black and white to them and their way is the only way. You have an insight of quality of life and how sharing your life and helping others is rewarding. Unfortuntly your mum, my dad have not been blessed with this insight and their lives will be less for this.
We can only change our lives and make others better, parents will never take lessons from their children and will be worse off for this.
I have let my dad go. He is not my responsibility, I have tried and failed and if I lived another three hundred years the situation would not change. Let it go, light a candle watch it go and spend no more of your valuble time and energy on this women.
If you carry on being around her then she will bring you down and have you question your own life. She doesn't deserve this and you deserve to be around postive family like your inlaws. I have done the same and uesd to think why can't my dad be as loving and giving as my partners dad. Why doesn't he appreicate me and show fondness and support me and understand me like my partners dad does. Because he never will as your mother never will. It is hard to expect as I am sure you would lay your life down for your children and you can't understand why your own mother won't for you.
Just be grateful that your children have you as a dad and your mother as a grandparent. Children as you know need a loving parent, be proud, you are that person, nothing else matters.
I hope you do have a good xmas by spending a little time with your children and who cares about where your mother is. She will be okay with whatever she is doing as she doesn't understand what could have been.


#7 Sam.Toombs

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 08:21 AM

this may seem slightly redundant after all that but ...

**big hugs** ...

#8 amazingracie28

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 09:30 AM

[quote name='greatbig47' date='Dec 11 2008, 11:48 AM' post='7169']
I think I just needed to get it out of my system. Writing it felt good in a strange way. I hate sounding like I'm *BEEP*ing about life. It helps to get my anger out by writing what I honestly feel.



I must say, it also helps people (like me) to see someone let it all out-It really does tell me its okay to do that here-and that's actually a big relief. Being new here I don't really know all the ropes and things so thank you for this-I'm so so sorry it comes at such an expense to you. I guess I just wanted to let you helped someone else to with your vent. The good thing is you're not letting it fester inside-that is just so much more damaging in the long term.... I know this is going to probably sound like I'm pretty out there so sorry in advance, but I really thought you put everything pretty eloquently-even with the parental advisory.

#9 greatbig47

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 11:50 AM

Wow...I didn't expect the response I got!

I am really blessed...My wife is the most amazing person in the world, and my N friends are second to none. My music is going better than ever...being able to vent about the "uglies" in it all was pure gold.

My music is the other way I vent. I always feel a little strange when I see younger faces at shows and picture mother's covering the ears of their children, whispering, "pay no attention to mister potty mouth up there, he's not a good influence"...The point is life isn't a cheery walk in the park, and by letting it out, I can soon there after remember what it's like to have composer of the world around me.

Besides, Rock and Roll is supposed to be rebelious, right? If it weren't...well, "Hello Pat Boone!"
ugh

#10 jenji

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 02:31 PM

QUOTE (greatbig47 @ Dec 12 2008, 11:50 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Besides, Rock and Roll is supposed to be rebelious, right? If it weren't...well, "Hello Pat Boone!"
ugh


Pat Boone.... .....is rockin' the leather chaps.

That's all I'm sayin.

OH, and that New Year's Eve still sucks too!

jenji

#11 too exhausted

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 03:44 PM

You wrote that your ex told your daughters that you are lazy. When your daughters are of the age to understand what that statement means they will also understand what your N is.
My dads mum (my nanna) called my mum three times to me. I knew my mums MS was not making her lazy, she couldn't feel anything from her waist down. This made me resent my nanna for not realising what a special person my mother was and how well coped with her illness. Like you she cared for people and helped people through a support group. Your children will be proud of you.
I stopped talking to my nanna and never took my daughter to see her and didn't attend her funeral. Well I hadn't spoken to her for years. Children stick up for their parents and its something your ex should know and as she doesn't will have to take the consequences of her actions.
Hang in there.

#12 Ashley

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Posted 12 December 2008 - 11:44 PM

"I want you to admit you had no idea where I was living when I was 15...and didn't really give a *BEEP*"

~~I can relate to that. that's a really bad age to be on your own.

#13 shallow_water

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Posted 17 December 2008 - 04:24 PM

I really don't have much to add to what the others have said- there's only one line that comes to mind-

" You can pick your nose but not your family"


Thanks for sharing such an emotional vent - i think it is what keeps things real in our world.

#14 amazingracie28

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Posted 19 December 2008 - 12:57 PM

QUOTE (too exhausted @ Dec 12 2008, 03:44 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
You wrote that your ex told your daughters that you are lazy. When your daughters are of the age to understand what that statement means they will also understand what your N is.....Children stick up for their parents and its something your ex should know and as she doesn't will have to take the consequences of her actions.


This is so true-my parents went through a nasty divorce when I was about 12. We (me and my little sister) lived with my dad and he would say horrible things about my mom that just weren't true-almost incessantly. As I got older I was able to see that things weren't as he said they were. Funny thing is I don't remember what he said specifically so much as I remember the spirit in which he said what he did-mean, spiteful, hateful. As an adult I can look back and see it for what it was as that time. Even though I have some totally separate issues with my mom, none of that stems from the horrible things my dad used to tell me and my sister about her. Children remember things. Actions speak louder than words-do what you can when you can and your kids will remember that you did.